Okay, so I redesigned my website and I started uploading the freshly designed pages last month...but you may have noticed that many of the pages have been slow coming, such as the Artist page. Well...I don't know what to say, other than the fact that I realized the amount of time it took designing each page didn't balance out with the need for the page. In other words, this website averages only a couple visits a day...and those are usually from search robots. I might be lucky enough to get an actual human visit every couple days or so. Finishing the pages began to feel pointless. And since I've been killing myself every day working in my parents yard to earn money for Grad school in a couple months, I don't have the energy.
 
I have to admit, I'm in unfamiliar territory. I never had a problem motivating myself to work on a creative project I knew nobody would likely ever give two cents about. I would paint whatever felt like a creative release, knowing full well that I'm not a painter and that for most of my paintings, I would be the only one who would appreciate it. And that didn't bother me. I was the same way with my solo music. The songs I wrote didn't carry any ambition. I wasn't trying to score fans or a record deal. I was just having fun writing music and recording it. That is not to say that I didn't want other people to listen to my music or see my paintings. In fact, it's quite the opposite...to me, a major purpose within the act of creative expression is the desire to put it out there for others to enjoy or reject. The difference is, with the exception of wanting to be a writer, I have no intention of being a painter or a musician or a photoshop artist or a web designer. Being creative is essential to my being and it would be silly to limit myself to words only.
 
And that's the problem lately - I've actually started to care about the fact that nobody cares about my music (except Scott) or art, and this is killing my motivation to work on these things. Every time I start working on something, it's like a voice (though not a real voice, I'm not schitzophrenic) reminds me that there's not point to finishing this because nobody gives a fiddler's fart.
 
I hope to remedy this, as it is depressing. So in essence, I'm not sure I'll finish the Artist page...it just doesn't seem worth the time and energy right now. I'm not even sure I'll even keep this website up in a month. It feels like a lot of work for nothing. However, I am leaning towards building a very simple blog-like website where I'll only post brain vomit in a short essay, memoirish format. It would be good to stretch my writing muscles a bit. I've really struggled so far this year. I guess obsessing over all the M.F.A. application portfolios and Statement of Purposes at the end of last year and the first three months of this year kind of threw a wrench into my skull.

2010 has been...well...dark. Dark in every sense of the word. De-void of light. Empty of color. Dark is really the only way I can adequately describe the previous four months. From mid-December to mid-April, I don't think I saw the sun except for a few cowering moments here and there. And this is not an exaggeration in the slightest. Just thinking about it brings shadows. So I won't. 
 
By mid-April, as I was trying to claw my way back into the day time, I realized my website was reflecting this darkness - despite being built last summer. It was almost as if my website, which was mostly black and proudly displayed the motif of standing under a streetlamp in the middle of the night, had become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
 
So, I've decided to change the sheets...so to speak...and give my website a lighter, happier, more inviting look. Some pages are still in the process of being finished. I've decided to simplify nearly everything, except the actual page-to-page art. There won't be page after page bio's on every stupid little thing.
 
Instead of a blog, I'm going to have this - a news post - where I'll post short entries of relevant news pertaining to my life. I'm currently thinking up a different 'real' blog where I'll post my rants, essays, and other stuff.
 
As for news pertaining to my life - after surviving many rejections from M.F.A.'s, I was finally accepted to two and a half (the third had me on a wait list). The two I was accepted to were on the top of my 'wish list' so it was worth all the rejections. And this alone has helped bring the sun back onto my face, not because I know I'll be leaving Utah in a few months, but because I know that at least two schools believe I'm a talented writer...or at least a writer with a potential worth working with.